candyarchives

Listen to Queen Bee's advice at your own risk. She's smart and sassy... but she's in it for the fun! This is an entertainment zine after all!

Send your questions, ideas and assorted insanity to queenbee@candyforbadchildren.com

Dear Queenie,

Why will cute boys take your phone number, say "I'll call you and we'll do something this weekend" and then never call??? I'm not even talking about a guy you sleep with and then never calls you - duh - I'm talking about a guy who asks for your phone number at the bar/grocery store/unemployment line and then never calls. Why do they bother asking if they never intend to call me? I just don't understand this.

Sincerely,

Disgruntled Diva

Well there, double diva!, This scenario sounds pretty typical with yer average boy! Truth is, the average boy is deathly afraid of us gorgeous creatures! Usually a guy bold enough to ask for your number is already aware of the "here comes trouble" aura you emit! I can speak from personal experience. Men find you irresistable, yet lethal! They get home, empty their pockets, find your number, then look at themselves in the mirror and think "I'm not man enough to handle that firecracker!" Their manhood then rolls up into a nutshell and hides!

That's why I always keep business cards handy! Complete with all contact info and a picture of my face to pine over! It's a very open-ended way to communicate without exposing your emotions to possible rejection! And even if you never get a call or email, you're sure to know that they'll be oggling at your photo! I've thought about passing out autographed nudies, but we're not givin' away the store here!

P.S. That's what separates the average boys from the sick motherfuckers! Personally, I find the sick motherfuckers preferable. They have NO fear!

How many licks does it take to get to the center of POP music?

Chuck "huge" Hughes

http://community.webtv.net/cwhug/doc

Well now, my strapping young hopeful, There's more to it than hot licks and huge dicks! Not that I'm complaining! To make it in POP muzak today, there's alot of sucking involved! You gotta have good looks, familiar hooks and a package to sell! Above all, you need some wealthy old pedophile with tin ears to hire someone else to write pop songs for you so they can flood the masses of the lowest common denominator with the next BIG familiar thing! Don'tcha wanna be the second coming of Sugar Ray?... Oh, and God help ya if yer not some mindless celebrity's kid! They're always taking cuts! It has nothing to do with great melodies or rare talent! It's who you know and who you blow! In all the years I've struggled as a musician, I've come to realize that the most important things to me have nothing to do with the industry! Having the artistic freedom to do whatever I want and calling all my own shots is better than being in debt to some record label that sees me as nothing more than a tax write off! But if you're into the back scratching, back stabbing, ass kissin', shit eatin' world of music business savvy, just keep on lickin' and suckin'! Bein' a rock and roll prostitute sometimes pays off! Just don't swallow!

P.S. I know where you live!!!

QB,

As a Punk from the 'glory days' of the Detroit scene.

What is your opinion of so many bands flying the 'Flag of Punk' in Detroit when it is painfully clear they should not?!?!?!?

P-Rock torch bearer ;)

Paul Fucking Sinn

http://streetpunk.PubLifeDetroit.com

"If you fly the flag of Punk, prepare to be boarded"

Ah yes, Paul! Thee ol' 'Glory Days'! I recall sitting in Clinton Valley Institution, hearing the tragic story of Sid Vicious and Nancy Spungen on the radio! I remember pulling a knife on a Detroit Skinhead at Bookies! I remember when people were afraid of us! For the life of me, however, I cannot recall how the words "Slam Dance" suddenly turned to "Mosh"! I feel yer pain, man! Every time I see some asshole stompin' around at a punk show with puffy white tennis shoes and a Red Wings jersey, I wanna pull that thing over his head and give 'em a boot shampoo with my black shit-kickers! Stupid cheeze-metal bands still use punk today, to redeem their otherwise "Skid Row" image. These are the same kinda folk that still think that Pearl Jam invented the stage dive! And ya know what? those weenies wont go away! It's up to us, the true punk-ass motherfuckers, to steer these silly young goofballs in the right direction! Ever watch some unconvincing asshole make a fool out of himself onstage?... Don't get mad, get glad! Walk up to him and tell him how bad he sucked, and why! Maybe he'll learn something from it!... We all have! We all started somewhere else. I think that the best way I know to handle their scene is to start your own! And if the poseurs don't like it, let 'em fly their stoopid flags! We'll be the ones burnin' 'em! Fuck 'em! Just do what you do and remember that you could be a big inspiration to some poor clod who needs a kick in the ass!!! Some parting words of wisdom..."If you can't beat 'em, Kick 'em"..."Forgive them, for they know not what they do"..."Watch out for us old schools, we spit glass!"..."Don't fuck with Momma!" That one I always say!

Hi Queen!

Maybe you can help me... I am lucky enough to get to date some of the most beautiful girls in the Motor City, take them to the nicest restaurants, open car doors for them, spend $ on them and then never hear from them again unless it's for bail money... What am I doing wrong?

Clueless in Clinton Twp.

Dear Clueless,

Hmmm! Let's take a look at this situation! The only way to answer this one may be to raise other questions!... First, where are you meeting these "beautiful" girls? You get what'cha pay for, ya know! Are you, perhaps, seeking something more meaningful than a "Good-Time Barbie"? Some of today's women are more independent and may feel intimidated by your gentleman-like manners. I remember getting creeped out when some nice guy wanted to take me out for dinner! Yikes! Try meeting up with her first! You'll get a closer look at her intentions if you give her more space! Part of the problem may be the type of woman you're suiting for! If she's drop-dead gorgeous and knows it, you're in for some serious mental and emotional abuse! Especially if she turns you on, then disappears! You may not recognize this type until you get a call from jail! Sometimes it's fun to play with fire! But be prepared to get burned! With rare good looks often comes ego dementia! Gold Diggers have been known to share some of these traits as well! Try to avoid the "Psycho-Bitch" type and be selective! Another part of the problem maybe that you're too nice! Ever notice how some of the hottest chicks you see around, go out with the biggest dickheads? That's right! They want to be challenged by some jerk who could rip their hearts out, only to fall back onto some poor nice guy who willingly sits on the back burner, awaiting her rescue! Something tells me that you may have fallen victim to this game. You can still play the game, but it's time to change the rules! One way to put out the right kinda vibe is to have a good-looking female friend accompany you to a club. This could work to your friend's advantage too! Even if you don't have a tag-along, you are going to emanate the most powerful character you can imagine! You are no longer "Clueless in Clinton Township". You are the "Million Dollar Fucking Man"! Made of steel, plated in gold! You need to project that with your walk, body language and self-assurance! Strut past the girl of your dreams, but don't stare long enough to make eye contact! Why do you need her when you're so fucking hot, you could bag Kid Rock's bitch? That's right muthafucka! Keep your guard up when talking to a hottie! It'll make 'er think you got something special you're hiding from her! But whatever you do, don't chase her away! Blow her off after a first date and watch the bitch come crawling back like a cat in heat! If it's meaningful your looking for, that will take a longer process of elimination! Be patient! Either way, work on that oozing charm bit! If nothing else, you're guaranteed a lot of hot action! If that don't help you brother, you're on yer own!

Alien dude new to Detroit wants to know the best places to meet alien chicks for a galactic love n' lust fling. All nationalities welcome, no doom-monging pain princesses. Where, all-seeing queen of sex rawk, would I find my hook-up?

"X"

Dear horny lil' green man,

You may find just what you're looking for at Space Nightclub 415 E. Congress in Detroit! Seems like a fun place to check out if you're into some sort of oddity. Everything from plus-size topless cheerleaders, midgets and gorgeous drag queens to one pain princess you may want to avoid... One sixty year old, 300 lb. dominatrix appropriately named "Brutal Betty"! You don't wanna piss her off! I tried to get a job there juggling live squid but they said it was lame and I didn't cut it! Personally, I think that they were confounded by my rare talent and maybe just an itsy-bit jealous too! Another option may be the Comicon convention! (www.comicon.com)! Everything from B-movie cult stars, sci-fi t.v. & movie characters, to the hottest comic book heroes & villains! Not to mention the huge stockpiled selection of comic books & paraphernalia to thrill the rarest of collectors! Go struttin' yer green stuff with your antenna erect there! All the freaky bitches and U.F.O.'s (unidentified fucking orifices) will be allover your cosmic ass! Butt please, save the probing experiments for the privacy of your own ship! You could always try for the next "Queen Bee Super Fan of the Month"! Your face will be allover my place! It ain't easy bein' green, ya know! Any strange creatures out there who would like to help out this lonely extra-terrestrial hunka-burnin' love please give my column a holler and I'll hook you two super-freaks up! "X" is for "SeXXX...Rawk", that is!

Dear Queenie,

You are my always hope of all, You are the bestest bass player of all, And when you play your bass, you rock them all, I think to myself as I have to tour the mall, (thanx to my wife) That you are the bestest, So may the Queens love be known to all!!

Mark, AKA The Riddler

"If all the worlds a stage, then where's the backstage and who's got the passes?"

Dear Riddler,

Um... Well... Uh, I... Um... Awww Sheeeyucks!!! I'm touched! Well, I guess you could say the same thing about this young man!... Um... Wow! Gosh! I guess my fans really do exist! Thank you! Thank you!... Now that you mention it, I do rawk Detroit! Don't I?

P.S. Backstage passes are only available for whores!

Hi,

I want to know if you are jealous of other girls in your local music scene. I know you act like a bitch to them. Do you think you are better than them? Seriously, inquiring minds want to know.

Lana Music

Hey Lana-Lana,

Do I detect a hint of jealousy?... Sorry, Honey! Didn't mean to turn your boy on! Tell him I'm not interested. Damn, that happens a lot! This one's a real "riottt"! And a rather quiet one, I might add. It's nice to know that I haven't lost my edge! Mind?...hmmm...Maybe! To know me is to love me! And Baby, you obviously ain't had the pleasure! The hand of the Queen only strikes with the force of the Golden Rule; "Fuck with Me and find out!"... Speaking of gold, I'd like to give a shout out to Lynda Mandolyn, Christel the Pistol, Cathy Carrell, Tabatha Predovich, Danielle Arsenal, Jacalyn Selinsky, Sarah Klein, Melody Licious, Kelly, Brown, Amy Surdu, Wendy Case, Shannon McCarthy, Sue Ness, Lovely Miss Lisa, Erika Herron, Lisa Spag, Miss Matrix, Erica Lynn, Jennifer Albaum, Karina, Rose Casper, Sinnamon, Miss Jenn, Lady Epiphany, the Doll Rods, Goldie Adore, Audra Kubat, Rachel Sinnot, Dana Forrester, Violet Skin...and so many other local women I respect and admire! Oh, and if I've ever been a bitch to you, that must mean that I am better than you and you did something to deserve it!

Gleefully,

Queenie the Meanie

THIS JUST IN...

My dearest Queen,

The best and still greatest babe bassist in the state. Since I hold the honour of having played in the same band with you (Pussyfoot) I can see and hear why some girls may be a bit uptight at how talented you are. Lana Music has no idea I do hear a hint of jealousy there. You're always the best and sexiest and that's all there is to it!

Mark Gilder aka THE RIDDLER,T-BAG.

let us go forward together.

Writers block! Can you help me finish this poetic prose. My name is Chuck and I don't give a ____!'

Much to you Your Ladyship,

C 'huge' H

http://community.webtv.net/cwhug/doc

Well "High" and "Hello!", Mr. Huge!

How 'bout "flyin'"? HA!

Chucky, Chucky Boo Bucky BananaFana Foo FUCKy... Feel like gittin' lucky? Chucky!

How'd ya like that one?

xoxox,

Queenie the Silly Bitch

Dear Queen,

I have this need to play the drums naked all the time. Do I need your help?

Rex the Wounder Boy

Dear Sexy Rexy!,

Ain't nuthin' wrong with flaunting it a little! Hell! Do you think that only women enjoy struttin' their shit? Take my hubbie Lord Blasto, for instance! Back in the days of Detroit's legendary and frightening grindcore band "Cum Dumpster", known as Dee Sparkles at that time, my hubbie would git-on up to slam his skins... in the flesh!!! That's right! My prize-winning pony ride was flailing behind that drumset for all the world to see!!! It was a testicular yet spectacular sight! I saw their singer Bob Madagan, take it further by puking on himself and lighting his asshole hair on fire! Those were the days! Mike Hard from Thrall!... Oh ma Gawd! Every thrift store on the road him and I raided for duds! He'd have to keep buying suits to wear 'cause every night onstage, his clothes were completely ripped off by the end of each set! Mr. Terry B., Queen Bee's original drummer who also toured in Thrall, known for his under-the-kilt wearing antics onstage! I might'a saw'r his ass once!... Maybe twice! All the great drummers aren't afraid to let it all hang out! They want to shine brighter from behind the drumset so that they aren't overlooked! It's understandable why any drummer would wanna whip it out!

Do you need my help?... I'd say "No!... Sounds like you're doin' just fine!"

Keep "up" the good work, Wounder Boy!

Queen fuckin' Bee

Dear Queen,

I noticed that you paint your bandmates up and they always look hot! I happen to find men that wear make-up totally cute! Why do us slutty rawk chicks dig the pretty boys so much?

xoxo,

Fannn Grrrl

P.S. BTW, Your husband's pretty fucking hot too!!!

Dear Fannny!,

Yes Dear, I must admit that I do tend to surround myself with beeautiful people! For those of you not in the know, Lord Blasto's sexy, gothic, boy-toy ass belongs to Moi! At our wedding, he and his best men looked more like a goth band! With black painted fingernails and full makeup, he even wore lipstick! Whatta Babe! My first gander at a painted rawk boy was my introduction to Brian O'Blivion of The Trash Brats back in high school! He always looked scary, but very cool!The Trash Brats' sense of style has always been copied, yet often challenged! Men like to give them shit because they are jealous and do not understand their ability to look good and feel comfortable with their sexuality...and then, steal their girlfriends!!!... Their audience even dresses like them!

As for my bandmates, I only serve them up sweet and saucy!!! Bet you'd never seen such a purdy mouth on Joey Mazzola before! Terry B, no stranger to sex-rawk prowess, wore makeup back in the touring days of Thrall! Terry is notorious for making the girls cry while bodly sporting a kilt from behind his drumset! Let's face it, ladies! We love makeup! We love pretty things! We love glamour! We love boys and some of us girls too! As a younger woman, I often wondered what my own fascination with femm boys had to do with my own sexuality. Yet, I've never felt uncomfortable or confused by it, myself! If you look back into history, wigs and makeup were a luxury for men as well as women! I think that the whole concept of makeup and androgony has more to do with artistic _expression than anything else! We artists and musicians and otherwise freaks possess a more vivid sense of perception! Our highs and lows are more extreme! We dream in color, so to speak! Our desire to express ourselves is stronger and bolder in our world! I personally love doing makeup on people! It really helps you form a bond with another person! I can't tell you what a thrill it is transforming men and women into something more attractive and confident! Men should be able to feel comfortable wearing makeup! I think it's selfish, otherwise! I could go on about all the other pretty boys I've had the pleasure of painting up, esQuire, Gordon Shepherd, and recently Crazy Mark! So if you're looking for the pretty boys! They're allover my site! Other notable sexy boys are the Ruiners and the Lanternjack! Bigger than life and sexy as hell! Rock out with your lipstick and your cock out, Boys!!!!!

Yum!,

Queenie the groupie

P.S. BTW, keep yer fuckin' claws outta my man's meat!!! But keep yer eyes out for the upcoming pretty boy galleries at QueenBeeDetroit.com!!! Soon!

Dear Karen,

I'm a 25 year old mother of 2 and I used to be a real groupie slut. I no longer go to shows in fear of seeing people from the past. I am very honest and take care of myself now. I used to come see you play and I love your music. I have been taking guitar lessons for two years. I tried to jam with these chicks I hooked up with through the metro but the lead singer/guitarist thought she was Lita Ford and asked me what I was going to do with my two children when we went on tour. This chick was totally unrealistic and though she was too good to play in bars. I haven't seen her on TV or heard her on the radio. Anyway, this kinda discouraged me. I just want to jam with other chicks. I'm married now and live in Michigan. Can you please give me some serious advice with your own experience?

Thank you so much,

A. Blowtorch

First of all, my Sweet,

You must learn NOT to be ashamed of who you are or once were! With a name like "Blowtorch", it's obvious that you've still got the fire burnin' under yer ass! That's half the battle that you've already won! What's wrong with bein' a groupie slut anyway? Shit! Musicians are the ones who are the sluts! Groupies are just our slutty brothers & sisters! I happen to own several, myself! They just don't realize it, yet! Find yourself others that are like-minded and like-situated! Believe me, I know how frustrating it can be working with females! My first band was an all-female trio called Inside Out. It was a rare yet great experience! But after 9 years of that, I wouldn't do it again! It's hard to find good team players! Try to be patient and not let other's shortcomings be a personal discouragement to you! In a place like Michigan, you have to get out to meet people! You should protect, record and promote your songs, even without a band! That's the best way to find people to work with! Create your own website. Just do me a favor and quit beating yourself up! If I worried about what assholes thought of me, I would'a been dead or in prison for murder a long time ago! Fuck Lita Ford and her pretend tour! You really need to be patient and set a certain amount of time aside to re-invent yourself! You're too damn young to give up on your dreams! Keep up those guitar lessons! Maybe get yourself a 4-track! Time to buck up and strut yer stuff with yer chin out, nose up, & don't forget to put on your shit-eatingest grin when horkin' a loogie into that public eye! Bitches love to hate me... and their men love to love me! And I don't even have to be a slut! Jealousy has been a great image builder for me! Not to mention the interesting rewards I've reaped! But there's nothing like being stopped and asked for your autograph, while pushing a basket at Toys 'R Us with 3 kids!!! It ain't easy bein' a domesticated cock-rawker! But I'd die tryin'!!!

P.S. Some other suggestions: Join Yahoo's Detroit Artist Groups or michiganartists.com, maybe even detroitmusic.com! Show your face on Crazy Mark TV!

You can do it!!!

xoxo,

Queenie

Dear Queen,

I am in my late 20's and have just started getting into the alternative music scene, thanks to my boyfriend. I've spent the past 3 years singing in a cover band and would like to "branch out" into something original, but my boyfriend's friends still treat me like an outsider! What must I do to fit into their "inner circle"? Please help!

Outsider

Dear Outsider,

The first thing you've got to do is to stop trying! I know how it feels to be what we call a "late bloomer"! Making a transition in personal style takes time! What these supposed "alternative" rockers don't seem to realize is that everything has already been done!... and several times over! I'll bet that some of these people are younger than you, aren't they? In my experience, I can honestly look back and laugh at the cocky punk-rock-purist attitude I experienced as a young, naive twit! After living a little, you realize how impossible it is to live up to delusional ideals!

Sounds like the problem is with the immaturity surrounding your beau's friends! You need to find your own crowd of friends to hang with and create whatever style feels comfortable to you. Maybe those silly bitches are feeling threatened by your change in style! If you get too comfortable in your new skin, they just might learn something from you. God forbid you should think of it first! Or maybe they're just plain jealous of you because of your hot man!

Don't sweat the small stuff! Free your ass and your mind will follow! Perhaps you know of an old friend that would appreciate a make over! Experiment! Let your freak flag fly!!! And if you wanna get sassy, ask those shitheads which one of them invented punk! If the money's good, you can take it a step further and continue playing covers alongside with your new found punk rock glory! That'll really piss 'em off and get your name around! At this age, you need to experience as much as you possibly can! Let'em call you a "poseur" and a "sell-out"! You should see just how many cover bands are getting signed right now! Truthfully, it's a cryin' shame! But someone like you could be laughing all the way to the bank! Go Girlee!!!

Love Queenie!

P.S. Besides, what do you want to do later in life? Continue as a working singer?... Or settle for some thankless grind, like wasting away at a dental office! Eventually we may all have to trade in the nose ring and purple streaks for a clean cut! Enjoy your freedom while you can!

Dear Queen Bee,

What would you do if you were crampin' and crankin' and just found out that your boyfriend was cheating on you?

Thanks,

Dawn

Dear Dawn,

Am I to assume that we're talking what you SHOULD do in that situation?

Because what you want to do and what you should do depends on the end result! It's very hard to stop and think objectively when your world has just been shattered by some asshole! It also depends on where you are and if he's around! If you're OTR, then your emotions will skyrocket! As a drinker, I always seemed to get into fights when I was OTR, almost looking for one. If you have a suspicion, follow your instincts! First reactions are usually the right ones! If you have an uneasy feeling about someone you've been seeing, don't be blinded by their charms, get rid of 'em! And if you've been a complete naive fool, consider yourself fortunate for having the truth hit you on the head! Often times, that's what it takes to give us the strength to leave someone.

Don't EVER let anyone make YOU second-guess yourself! You'll know you're with the wrong person if they make you feel paranoid! If you have yet to confirm your suspicion and it's driving you nuts, get rid of 'em! I guarantee that down the road at some point, the truth will reveal itself and you'll realize that No, you are not crazy! Now...If you're on the rag and catch the bastard red-fuckin' handed, you have not only all the ammo in the world to blast him with, but you'll also have the balls and hormone firepower to go completely apeshit on his ass!

If you're in a public place, don't hesitate to humiliate him! But if his other bitch is with him, keep her out of it unless she tries giving you lip or happens to be a friend of yours! Regardless of her flirtations, whoever she is, he should've known better! Smear his nose in it and punch him in the face! Just be sure to tuck your thumb in beneath your fingers! I guarantee you'll feel like Wonder Woman as you feel the adrenaline rush surge through your arm and bust him one! Be wary of any violent urges on his part! The best place for a knock-down-drag-out is inside our in front of a bar. If it gets out of hand, other people will be there to break it up! As long as you get one good punch in, or a kick in the nuts, you'll get all macho, warm and tingly thinking about it later! You may even get an evil little giggle from it! From there, take back your dignity and leave his ass for dead! One last suggestion for those of you stuck with a sick bastard! Just get the hell outta there and don't look back! Don't ever look back no matter what!

You deserve something better! As for her, let her have your leftovers, 'cause chances are, the same thing will happen to her later! You can always stalk him later, but you'd be doing yourself a bigger favor by moving on and not letting him waste anymore of your time and emotion!

Good luck, sista! Tell 'em Queen Bee's gonna come rip off his nuts! HA! HA!

I am Woman,

Queen Bee

As there are still a few mysteries about women I have yet to crack - Why do women go to the bathroom together? What do they do in there?

Sleazegrinder

Well, aren't you just a "wee" bit curious about the fantasies that surround the ladies' room? Let me first dispel any delusions of circle jerks, size comparisons and/or long-distance contests!...You can save the territorial pissing for the men's room, which may explain that pungent waft that outdoes any stinker the girlies' can could muster! Not that we are innocent by any means. But we women hold the restroom in much higher esteem and purpose! We choose to operate our bodily functions in a more modest and respectful manner. The bigger the shitter, the better! What better place to get away from the boys and other girls you want to gossip about? Special bonds and revelations take place in the company of borrowed make up tips and information exchange! Heartbroken little ninnies can cry and puke in the comfort of their best girlfriends! Public announcements can be made with an indelible marker! The occasional joint or line of coke can be dispersed amongst peers! Outfits and hairstyles can be pre-screened before going on public display! There is an unexplainable sense of camaraderie that seems to be encompassed within those walls. Women become different people once they walk through that door! If it's a real dump, your best bud can hand you some toilet paper, hold the door closed, lend you a tampex; even share an occasional giggle while you "drop the kids off at the pool"! All I can say is, if you don't want to piss off the ladies, there had better be a mirror in there...or else you're shit outta luck!

In Vain,

Queenie

Also, why do women need 30 pairs of shoes?

"30" pairs of shoes you say? HA!... That's reasonable! Try 80 pairs of shoes! You want to know why we ladies own so many pairs of shoes? Well, we know that it's got nothing to do with going to the bathroom together! Personally speaking, I know how hard a woman on the go can No! Not as is going on the can! Get yer head outta that gutter!) be on her feet! I walk light, but I put a lot of strut in my stuff, so my favorite shoes wear out fast! Women like to be resourceful and prepared! We think of our wardrobes as our arsenal. Like the kitchen cupboards, stock-piled to the hilt in the event of any emergency! And look at the constant pressure we're put under to live up to the standards forced upon us by the media! Constant changing styles, colors and heights! A lot of times, we'll find ourselves desperate for a perfect match to that sexy lil' dress we just found on sale! Panic time! Often, we'll settle for a pair of mediocre substitutes during the interim of hot pursuit. Just so that we don't miss a chance to wear that dress while it's still in season...with dormant hopes of discovering the killer kicks that will one day make that dress scream "Look at my ass!" There's another reason right there! Shoes strongly affect how we carry ourselves and how our asses sit on top of our legs! When we find that perfect pair of platforms, our first impulse is "more!...I need more!!!" Unfortunately, it's impossible to know whether or not you've found that perfect pair until you've worn them out and then realize "Damn! Why didn't I get another pair?" By this time, they're no longer in stock. We take this very personally and mournfully search for a similar sole mate! No one is impressed by floppy old jalopies hangin' off a pair of pretty feet! So it's off to the shoe stores again! And God help ya if they're havin' a sale! Bargain hunters like me are the biggest suckers for places like the Deb shop where once I stumbled across 4 pairs of boots for $20! YEEAAAW!!!! I am the conquistador! Why save money when you can spend more and get more? Of course, one pair I wear. One pair I gave away. Another pair looks cool but hurts my fuckin' back, while the fourth pair takes up space in my closet! I have other pairs that have yet to be worn! Some are ill-fitted, but looked good for 10 bucks! Others just look cool and cannot be worn until I find something to wear them with! We have to keep buying shoes until we find the right pair to walk in! If the shoe fits, wear it! If only it were that simple! I felt betrayed by these sparkling black beauties I had bought to do a little dance (with esQuire) in! They made me look charming until we hit the stage! And don't ask me why the fuck there was carpeting! But these deceptive lil' numbers transformed me from a booty shakin' super-diva to a dancin', fuckin' fool with frankenstein feet from Hell! Those shoes weren't made for walkin'! Had to kick myself in the ass for that one! Guess I'll never learn! So why do we women need so many pairs of shoes? I could name a few men that possess more shoes than I do! But instead, I'd like in turn to ask you men, "Why do you need to oggle every fucking woman alive?"... Touche'!!!

Love & Boot Shampoos,

Queenie!!!

Dear Queen Bee,

Is it true that you're Bi?

Curious Cat

Dear Bi-Curious One,

Wouldn't you like to know! You and everyone else that looks like you!

It always floors me to get questions like this 'cuz you never know where they're cummin' from! "Are you flirtin' with me?"... or is this yet another barb tryin' to get under my skin? Either way, you're gonna have to try harder than that! Seems like everyone I've met lately is a little bit country AND a little bit rock n' roll! You could say that I'm bi-peda, bi-polar, bi-lingual (if you include pig-latin), bi-otic, bi-racial (half human/half alien), am-bi-dexterous, I pay my bills bi-weekly and at the moment I am "bi" the computer! However, you could also say that I'm straight-up, straight-forward, straight-edged (okay, so one or two occasional drinkies!), straight-faced ('cuz I'm not havin' any fun!), I need a straight-jacket and I'm gonna go straight to Hell if I don't finish this month's column straight-away! I am married to a hot man who's prettier than me, yet hung like a bull if that makes any sense! I've occasionally been questioned about my gender! All the drag queens and gay boys are always blowin' kisses my way! All the hottest chicks hit on me! Not to mention that everyone that wants a piece of my prize-winning pie seems to be strikingly gorgeous!!! Must be all the bee-autiful people I surround myself with! All I can say is, better lock up yo mama & yo daddy, sistas, bruthas, mr.'s & mrs.'s! All the bitches & boys wanna get with me so watch out! Oh, and in answer to your question?... "None of your beeswax!!!"

All things to all peeps,

Queenie the SexXx GawdesSs

Dear Queen Bee,

I was wondering if you could recommend a mascara. I haven't worn any make up in ages. I was using the YSL volume effect faux cils, but now it is all clumpy and I need a new one. I sure would appreciate your beauty expertise.

XO,

Margaret Doll Rod

Dearest Doll-Baby,

Mascara?

Well... let's see... A couple things to think about before you make a choice would be how often you'll wear it and how much $ you wish to spend! Lorac is well known for making a good, basic mascara. If you want to stay on the natural side of things, Tony & Tina has a great mascara that is made with Chickweed, which is good for your lashes and helps prevent eye infections. It also comes in a clear shade to keep it natural and may not clump as easily. YSL is known for a really thick mascara, which I never got around to picking up. May be the one that you actually have! Rimmel makes a similar volume building formula called "Curly Mascara", and is carried at Walmart. If you're in a real pinch, you can always add water to the clumpy stuff. Unless your eyes burn from sweating bullets, I do not recommend water-proof! Another factor is the shape of the brush. If you have thin or short lashes, you may do better with a smaller and more narrow brush. Brushes come in a variety of different shapes and textures that could add more of an arch to your lashes. Now, I have sworn by Maybelline's Great Lash forever. It's cheap and has recently come with an eye makeup remover called "Expert Eyes". I noticed that using eye makeup remover makes a big difference in how mascara goes on later! After years of soap and water, I've discovered that keeping your lashes conditioned and even wetting them before application locks in the moisture and helps minimize the clumps! "Expert Eyes" is 100% oil free and Maybelline does offer a wide variety of brush styles! When it starts to dry out, I just add a drop or two of water into the bottle and give it a coupla swishes with the brush. When you are applying mascara, you should be able to simply skim it across your lashes in a sideways motion. This technique adds length and works best lightly dabbed onto lower lashes. Use the upward motion to build volume! If you don't do the makeup thing too often, you may want to stick with an inexpensive one, because all of them dry out after time! Good luck with your lashings, Darling! I'm so flattered...

XOXOX,

Queenie

P.S. For that natural look, or those hard-to-curl straight lashes, Shu Uemera makes an eyelash curler to die for! Most of these items can be found at Sephora or Sephora.com!

Dear Queen Bee,

I have a question. Why are the vast majority of punk rockers so misguided? I am an avid Metalhead and I realize punk and metal are sisters in music but, damn. If I have to hear one more punk bitch about political nonsense he/she doesn't even have a clue about, I'm going to bust some skulls. From what I can gather, punk music (as well as some metal) is largely based on extreme social reform, down with this, down with that, blah, blah, blah I hate corporate America, on with Anarchy. I am all for personal opinion. I am NOT all for loud, in your face, ignorant, misinformed opinion; which it has been my experience that most punks are, they're just sad/disillusioned/frustrated/ignorant young people who interestingly enough "grow out of it." This is another problem I have. If it's just a phase what is the point?!?! Grow up!!! Realize there is more to music than 3 fucking chords! Listen to some classical music once in awhile! Stop bitching about things you know nothing about (nearly anything involving the president or U.S. global policy)!!!! Don't talk to me about dropping out of high school and not going to college like it's a badge of honor because its just sad and I have to endure your shit because your an ignorant uneducated fuck whos going nowhere and the only way you can vent your pathetic self hate is through your shitty punk music..... SHUT THE FUCK UP PUNKS I DON'T GIVE A DAMN!!!

Sincerely

The rest of World but more specifically,

Stu

P.S. Queen Bee I don’t care if you put this on your site, I seriously doubt you will, but try and give me a legit answer so maybe you can explain to me realistically why punks do what they do. Thanks

Dear Funny Guy,

How dull my column would be without pissed of gems like yourself! Sounds like someone lit a huge explosion under your pants! That's okay! That's what I'm here for! First off; I find it very impressive that you happen to know who the vast majority of punks are, seeing that punk rock has spanned the world over since the 1970's and has influenced other genres of music, style and other forms of _expression! It takes personal experience to form an opinion!

Many young people are frustrated and confused by the mis-information they are fed by the media and have a right to defy it! I found myself very digsruntled by the system after being institutionalized for 9 months when my only crime was being a shy, B-average 10 year old student! The only thing that got me through school was a lethal dose of Jesus and Jello Biafra! I got suspended 3 times and almost expelled the same year I got on the B-honor roll in high school! I don't need a fucking badge of honor. I've got scars to prove what I lived through. I've listened to all styles of music and quickly became bored with the endless guitar wanking, epic 3-chord drudgery and silly falsetto vocals of metal.

Have you ever heard the classical pianist that plays nothing but Dead Kennedy covers? Where were you when all the other mullets crossed over to punk, anyway? Besides that, I don't believe in being a purist of any sort! That's the kind of close-minded thinking that turns you into a hypocrite and gets you into trouble with yourself! All politics are nonsense to me and anyone that believes everything they see on television deserves to be offended! Give the young-uns a fucking break! They're still trying to find their place in the world! If it wasn't for their energy and tenacity, this world would stand still and you old jaded farts would be fucked! People don't just "grow out of it", either. They just "grow older" and priorities change with responsibility. I can't help but feel at one time I may have fit your description to a T- as in "Tank Girl"!

I am thankful to have experienced the reckless abandon of punk-fucking rock! You ought to get offa that hoppity horse of yours and try it sometime! The freedom of stage-diving 5 times and having your feet never touch the floor! The adrenaline that rushes you scream "motherfucker" over the mindless durge of maniacal noise! You should say "Thanks be to God" for the fact that monsters like me vent our frustrations through music, and not through bashing YOUR skull!

Fuck, Piss and Shit!

Queenie the Punk Rock Bitch!

P.S. You no like punk?...Than no listen!